The TALK
by crocious
Summary: In which the Bad Touch Trio accidentally corrupts poor little Germany's mind. You wonder what the hell is wrong with his porn? It's because he learned from these guys. Includes awkward brother talk between Prussia and adolescent Germany.


**A/N: Little one shot with Germany and Prussia as brothers during the Austro-Prussian war. Some of my stuff is inaccurate. I don't care.**

**Prussia is awesome. I wanted to write something with him. Never mind that I finished it in ten minutes and it's super shitty. I'll come back to him later when he's more awesome.**

**WARNING! This gets extremely uncomfortable! The Talk is never pleasant to watch.**

Gilbert whistled happily as he strolled around the campsite. Sure, war sucked and all, but that doesn't mean he can't be a little awesome every now and then. In the morning he would win the battle and make Austria be his slave forever and ever. At least his vital regions. Who said he couldn't celebrate a little, knowing he was hours away from winning and making that stupid aristocrat do his laundry?

This made Prussia grin even harder. War had made all of his clothes especially rank. Austria was going to hate this.

Prussia felt a sudden stirring on his head as Gilbird woke up.

"_Guten Morgen,_ sunshine," Gilbert said. "What's up?"

Gilbird started peeping frantically and Gilbert paused.

"What is it, buddy?" Gilbert heard a small cough and he turned around to see a well groomed little blonde kid shuffling his feet uncomfortably.

"West!" Prussia started at the sight of his estranged little brother. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be with Austria?"

"He thinks I'm here to ask you to retreat," Ludwig said seriously. It was the seriously part that made Gilbert want to scream and laugh at the same time. If Germany had been able to grow up with Gilbert's awesome self rather than the decidedly lame Austria, he might not be so hilariously serious all the time.

"He does, huh? Are you?"

Ludwig sighed. "You never listen to anything I say anyway."

Gilbert laughed. "Kesesesese! You just _get_ me, bruder!"

"I would, however, ask you to clarify a few key issues to me."

Gilbert stared at Ludwig and his barely teenaged frame. If things had been different, Germany would already be Prussia's favorite drinking buddy. And he would be cheery and fun and awesome. And Prussia would introduce him as Awesome Junior and they would have incredibly epic dance battles at the bar. And they would take over all of Europe with their combined awesome and the world would tremble at their feet and Austria would do both their laundry.

"Bruder?"

Gilbert snapped back to attention and smiled fondly at Ludwig before deciding fondness was a woman's expression and changing it to a cocky smirk. "Ja?"

"May I ask you some questions?"

Gilbert responded with a nod of his head and they started walking together.

"Why do you want Holstein, anyway?"

"I hear they have good beer."

"Bruder."

"Fine. Because I'm awesome."

"Bruder!"

Gilbert laughed. "Kesesese! Next question!"

"Why is England fighting too? It doesn't seem like he has much to gain."

"Because he's a douchebag who hates on my buddies."

"That can't be the only reason."

"Sure it is! The world is full of douchebags! You'll figure that out soon enough."

"If you win, where does that leave me?"

Gilbert stopped and looked at his little brother. "Well," he said. "You'll come live with me. We'll drink beer and have awesome dance battles and take over the entire world and make Austria do our laundry."

The ghost of a smile drifted across Germany's face. "I'd like that, bruder."

"Sure you will! We'll have the best time ever! Kesesesese!"

Gilbert continued walking around the camp and Ludwig followed him.

"One last thing before I go back to Mister Austria," Germany said.

"What's that, Awesome Junior?"

"What exactly does it mean to invade one's vital regions?"

Gilbert stopped in his tracks and felt his face flood with blood. Gilbird let out a soft squeak.

"Well, it means to... you know... take over an area of land that's super important and all."

"I know that," Ludwig said. "Mister Austria was good enough to explain what it means literally. But England told me it is also something called an innuendo. He wouldn't tell me what the second meaning was, however, and Mister Austria likewise avoided the subject."

"You didn't ask Hungary?" Gilbert thought that she of all people would know.

"When I did, her nose started bleeding spontaneously. She must have been sick."

Gilbert chuckled nervously. "Yeah... that must have been it."

"So what does it mean, bruder?"

Gilbert fumbled around for the right words. "Well, it's like when... you know, with the bees... and, um, the rabbits... and the earth moves around a lot..."

"You're not making a whole lot of sense."

"ANTONIO!" Gilbert screamed suddenly for his friend. "ANTONIO, I NEED YOU!"

Gilbert and Ludwig watched a tent open for a cheerful brunette man. Spain ran happily up to them.

"Germany! Hi, what are you doing here? The weather is lovely today, don't you think?"

Ludwig colored uncomfortably, not liking the small talk at all.

"West wants to know about 'vital regions,' Toni."

Antonio frowned. "Eh? You're his brother, you tell him!"

"No, you're better at this stuff than I am!"

"There's nothing to be scared of, _amigo._ It's perfectly natural!"

"Tell him that!"

Germany looked at them, confused. "What's perfectly natural?"

Antonio bent to look Germany in the eye. "Everybody in the world has 'vital regions,' Ludwig. These are special places on our bodies that feel really good when they get touched."

Gilbert turned an illegal shade of red and focused his attention on a small cloud in the sky.

"I think I know what you're talking about," Ludwig said slowly. Gilbert choked and shifted uncomfortably.

"Right! And it's totally natural to experiment with your vital regions! You'll find that certain things make you want to-"

"THANK YOU TONI," Gilbert yelled.

"-and whether they're men or women or fruits, it's important to remember that what you're feeling is totally natural!"

"...Fruits?" said Germany.

"And when you get a little older, you can find someone else with vital regions and you can make each other-"

"TONI YOU CAN STOP TALKING NOW OH GOD PLEASE STOP TALKING!"

Antonio looked up at Gilbert obliviously."Eh? But I didn't get to explain fetishes. He has to know those are normal!"

"What are fetishes?"

"I SAID THANK YOU, TONI!" Gilbert stared at his feet as if it was possible to shoot lasers at them.

Antonio shrugged and stood up. Ludwig bit his lip thoughtfully.

"So then... what does it mean that Prussia is invading Austria's vital regions?"

Antonio paused like a deer in headlights. He looked at Gilbert.

"FRANCIS!" they screamed.

**My ideas about Germany are stupid. I figure that the Austro-Prussian War was like Germany's puberty, like, his evolution from adorable mister Holy Roman Empire to macho Mister Studley. It doesn't really come through in this fic.**

**I don't care that I'm inaccurate. My world is a lot more interesting anyway. **


End file.
